Dr Who Bloopers that'll never air on Telly
by lexophile42
Summary: I think the title gives it away, don't you? Now includes seasons 1 and 2.
1. first

Dr. Who Bloopers That You'll Never See on the Telly

Rating:T

Disclaimer: none of this really happened, but wouldn't it be "high-larious" to see on a blooper reel? This is all from season one. I got the idea from Python Chick, who did this with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Oh, and all the characters belong to Russell T. Davies… you know, other than myself. This is written as though the characters were portrayed by themselves.

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"The Doctor Dances"

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Jack: _(Pulls out a banana peel from his sonic blaster holster and hold it like his gun, then does a double take)_ Hey! Who ate my banana?

The Doctor: _(through a mouthful of banana)_ What? _(looks down at his hand, throws the half eaten banana to the floor) _I was hungry.

Director: Cut! Doc, we had an entire bowl of fruit in the board room!

The Doctor: Yes, but there weren't any bananas, were there?

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"The Empty Child"- take 1

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TARDIS: _(ringing)_

The Doctor: how can you be ringing? What's that all about, ringing? _(reaches into coat for sonic screwdriver, pulls out Jack's blaster)_ what am I supposed to do with a … sonic blaster? _(puts blaster back then pulls out a banana)_ there it is, I was wondering where they all got to. Well, maybe later. _(Puts banana back and gets out sonic screwdriver at long last)_ there you are… now, what am I supposed to do with a ringing phone?

Nancy: Don't answer it. It's not for you.

The Doctor: And how do you know that?

Nancy: 'Cause I do. And I'm telling you. Don't answer it.

The Doctor: Well, if you know so much, tell me this: are you my mummy?

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Take 2

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Nancy: 'Cause I do. And I'm telling you. Don't answer it.

The Doctor: Well, if you know so much, tell me this: how is it ringing? It's not even a real phone, it's not connected, it's not…

TARDIS: _(continues ringing)_

The Doctor: _(picks up receiver hesitantly)_ Hello? This is the Doctor speaking… how may I help you?

Voice: Watson, come here. I need you… Watson, come here. I need you…

The Doctor: Who is this? Who's speaking?

Voice: Watson, come here. I need you…

The Doctor: Who is this?

Voice: Watson, come here. I need you…

The Doctor: This all sounds very familiar…

Voice: Watson, come here. I need you…

The Doctor: Mr. Graham-Bell, I understand that this is a huge breakthrough for you, but… how did you ring it? This isn't a real phone, it's not wired up to…

Voice: Watson, come here. I need you…

The Doctor: _(looks at receiver then hangs it up)_ now that was bloody weird.

TARDIS: _(ringing)_

The Doctor: _(picks up receiver and holds it to his ear)_

Voice: Watson, come here. I need you…

The Doctor: _(slams receiver down)_

Director: Cut. Doc, what the heck?

Doctor: It wasn't a child… it was Alexander Graham-Bell. Just like when we went back to Rose's dad.

Director: Someone go check for Reapers. We don't have time for this, Doc

The Doctor: I know it. _(Steps into TARDIS, but keeps head out for a moment)_ I'm off. _(closes the door.)_

TARDIS: _(whirring, grows faint)_

Director: I told you to use the fake box, not the real one!

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Take 3

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The Doctor: This is the Doctor speaking.

Voice: Iiiiiiira! Iiiiiiiira! Iiiiiiiiiiira!

The Doctor: Wrong number, sorry. _(hangs up receiver)_ Would somebody please tell the bloody Americans to stop prank calling the TARDIS?

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Lexxie D: Gawd!!! (laughs emphatically) the TARDIS _does_ have a mind of its own, apparently! I've got to stop for tonight, but I assure you that I will update soon. Until next time, tirrah, my loves!

(A/N: you want more? Then leave a gorram review! Much love, Lexxie)


	2. second

Lexxie D: You ready for this? Good. I hope you enjoy the following bloopers that you'll never see on the telly.

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"The Empty Child"—Take 1

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Jack: It's 1941. the height of the London Blitz. The height of the German bombing campaign. And something else has fallen on London. A beautiful blonde. Five-four, maybe five-five. Union Jack plastered across her chest… _(Kisses Rose)_ and she's the most amazing kisser _(kisses her again)_ and I know where she is, because I'm dancing with her on top of a Chula warship. And I'm going to keep her here for a good _(kiss)_ long _(kiss)_ while… that's not how it goes… can we do that shot again?

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Take 2

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Jack: That's your deadline. Now, shall we discuss payment?

Rose: You know what I think?

Jack: What?

Rose: I think… you're about to kiss me… again

Jack: Yes, yes I am. _(Kisses her)_

Director: Dammit Jack! Cut!

Jack: Sorry, I was just a little into it.

Rose: You wish.

Jack: I thought I was pretty good.

Rose: Yeah, but you weren't _(does air-quotes)_ "into" it.

Jack: Oh, I see. Well, I could be.

Director: stick to the damn script, you two!

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Take 3

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Rose: You know what I think?

Jack: what?

Rose: I think you were talking just there.

Jack: ten minutes, my room. Be there, or I'll start without you.

Rose: promises, promises

Director: Cut! Jack, quit trying to chat-up Rose. Rose, stop letting him chat you up.

Rose: sorry, I just can't help it. He's single… and he works out. _(kisses Jack)_ and he tastes good.

Director: I give up

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Take 4

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Jack: Now, shall we discuss payment?

Rose: you know what I think?

Jack: What?

Rose: I think you were talking just there.

Jack: two hours. The bomb falls. There'll be nothing left but dust and a crater.

Rose: promises, promises

Jack: are you listening to any of this?

Rose: you used to be a Time Agent, now you're some kind of free-lancer.

Jack: That's a little harsh. I like to think of myself as a… do I say con-man now or later? Who cares? _(Pulls Rose closer and kisses her)_ it all ends the same.

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Lexxie D: That Jack Harkness, he's a one man snogging machine, I tell ya! I would not mind being Ms. Tyler right there. Okay, well, that's all for now folks. Hope you enjoyed it! Remember: leave reviews, save the whales, and tip your cabbie 'cause he's broke. G' bye!

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	3. not a blooper

Rose: Hey, Jack! Guess what...

Jack: What, what?

Rose: Lexxie's been updating!

Jack: Yes!

The Doctor: _(crosses arms sulkily) _oh, yeah, good for you two.

Jack: Feeling unloved, Doctor?

The Doctor: a little, yeah.

Jack: I could help with that

The Doctor: oh, I'm sure you could

Jack: Let me show you... _(approaches Doctor, lips puckered)_

The Doctor: I think I'll pass

Jack: Alright. You tell me if you reconsider. _(winks)_

The Doctor: I will. You'll be the first to know_ (winks)_

Rose: Boys!

David Tennant: Excuse me, am I on the right set?

The Doctor: Oi, who're you, then?

David Tennant: I'm the Doctor, who're you?

The Doctor: _I'm_ the Doctor.

Rose: Oh dear...

Jack: not again...

David Tennant: I'm the _tenth_ Doctor

The Doctor: Oh, that makes sense, I s'pose

David Tennant: yes, yes it does.

The Doctor: Cool


	4. third

Bloopers you'll never see on the telly Part Three

Lexxie D: Ello, luv, welcome to the next set of Doctor Who bloopers you'll never see on the telly. The following blooper was requested by "almightyswot". Thanks, luv, for the idea.

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"The End of the World"

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Steward: And now, might I introduce our next honored guests, representing the forests of Cheem, we have… the Doctor?

David Tennant: Hello!

The Doctor: What're you doing here?

David Tennant: What am I doing here? What are _you_ doing here?

The Doctor: I'm the Doctor.

David Tennant: Well, so 'm I. The Tenth Doctor. You must be Chris.

Director: Cut! David, get off the set! You're not supposed to be here until "Parting of Ways"!

David Tennant: Oh, right… must've gotten the coordinates wrong… you sure?

Director: I think I know the series well enough to—

David Tennant: Ah, there's your problem. You _think_ you know the series well enough? How dumb are you lot, anyway?

The Doctor: Tell me about it.

Director: Okay, all those in attendance not bashing humans, I need you here and now. Doctors, sort this out amongst yourselves.

Both Doctors: 'Kay!

The 9th Doctor: _(begins walking away with David)_ So, you're the guy that I become, eh? Lucky Rose.

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Lexxie D: sorry, this update was a short one. But you lot can leave me suggestions. Always remember: leave reviews, save the rainforest, and tip your cabbie, 'cause he's broke. G'night!


	5. Authors Note

**_Attention all readers!!_**

Prepare thyself for updates... coming very soon. This bunch will be from season two! Three cheers for new DVDs!! Hip-hip-Huzzah! Hip-hip-Huzzah! Hip-hip... erm... you get the picture. I'm excited, you're excited (hopefully), and I'm sure the Doctor's excited as well. So, without further adieu... well, you'll have to wait for me to get it all typed up and such, but there will be an update very very soon.

Remeber: ideas for bloopers are always welcome.

--lexx


	6. fourth

Bloopers for series (dun-dun-dun) TWO!!

()()()()()()()()()

Lex: 'allo, my beloveds! I trust you're all well. Holding up with the fact that I've not updated this set in a while, I hope. Have no fear, you've no longer to wait. Prepare thyself for SERIES TWO!!

()()()()()

Ep. Idiot's Lantern- Patriotic Duty

Rose: Mum boffed... I mean slept with... erm _went out with _a sailor.

Dr: I bet Jackie did all of the above

Director: there's already enough dumping on dumping on Jackie in this show, no need to add in more

Rose: sorry

Dr: Rose started it

Director: very well, cookie for the Doctor

Dr: Fan-- fant-- fa-- f-f-f-fanta... hmm... doesn't fit the teeth, does it?

Director: Your word's 'brilliant' now

Dr: right-o, Brilliant!

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Ep. Idiot's Lantern- Patriotic Duty

Rose: only an idiot hangs the Union Jack upside down

Connolly: I though it was the Union Flag unless flown at sea

Rose: same difference really. You should've seen your face!

Connolly: I can't take any more of this bollocks! I'll be in my trailer.

Rose: you don't have a trailer. Only me an' the Doctor got a trailer... and we got to share that, we do. Not that I'm complaining or anything but--

Dr: Rose! What's taking so long?

Director: Okay, cut. Who wants to take a guess at what went wrong there?

Rose: (raises hand) I was on screen with an idiot?

Director: that's why we cast him, kitten. Anyone else?

Dr: (tauntingly) Rose forgot her line again

Director: Cookie for the Doctor... _again._

Dr: Brilliant!

()()()()()()()

Lex: yay for updates!! Until next time, allons-y Allonso!

Allonso: (confused about his sudden appearance) Right-o... who are you, then?

Lex: No time for formalities, Allonso. Now, to the Blooper-mobile, away!

()()()()()()

A/N: you know the drill. --lexx


	7. Summerlong Hiatus

Official Three Month Hiatus posted on ALL stories written by lexophile42 (aka Lexx)

Dear faithful reader,

I'm sorry to inform you of the fact that all of my stories will be placed on hiatus until the end of Summer Vacation. By the time I return to the fandom, I will be bursting at the seams with updates for all my stories plus a few new fics to post, no doubt. So until then, sit tight, read what I've got, and review to your heart's content. If you have anything you'd like to say to me directly, please email me and I will do my best to get back to you. Thank you all for being so understanding in this difficult time. You guys really are the best.

Thank you again, and may the Force be with you.

Sincerely yours,

Lexx


	8. 2010

**Updates for the new year...**

The following stories are up for adoption:

A Doctor for the Doctor (this is one that I would like to be kept in the loop about by whoever adopts it)

Heart of Gold (this is one that I could just as easily write off as a dead-in-the-water story and just leave it)

A Matter of Life and Death (actually, I just need a cowriter or two to keep this one going)

Doctor Who Bloopers (again, I just need a cowriter or two or three to keep this one going)

* * *

Stories that are no longer available for adoption:

Viva Rock Vegas (adopted by "ottawawolf" -- /u/2047635/ottawawolf)

* * *

Impending updates:

Jack Who- I have revived my dead writing laptop and have recovered the final chapters of this story, which means it will soon be COMPLETE!!

Ethereal Nonsense- I'm finally getting around to finishing this one and will also be working on panels for the actual comic.

Bananas for Her- pretty much the same as Jack Who, except it's still got quite a bit of work to be done before it is COMPLETE.

* * *

Hang in there, folks. I haven't forgotten about ya!!


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